Edify

“‘People in fairy stories,’ he said, ‘always find what they want. Why should not I find this Carasoyn? It does not seem likely. But the world doesn’t go round by likely. So I will try.’ But how was he to begin? When Colin did not know what to do, he always did something.”[1]

I don’t know how to begin this easily or gently, how to find a natural segue, and so we will simply begin with something. This is born of many conversations over a good decade with close friends as well as people whose names I have forgotten. It comes, too, out of multiple requests and repeated “you should!!”s. And today’s topic is…..deep breath (am I really going to share my thoughts on this??)…dating in the church.

Preface: I am, and have for some time been, perfectly content to be as I am, which happens to also currently include being single. So many of the best things in my life have not been of my choosing, that while I do greatly desire marriage and a family, I cannot doubt that if it doesn’t happen, that too will be good. I believe that the Lord protects His people and that He gives good gifts[2]; if I believe that, how can I not be thankful for His gift of singleness, however long it may be and however much I did not ask for it? There is goodness in the unexpected, and gifts that come out of situations that would otherwise never be.

Being not married, I fall into an odd little category[3] that the church doesn’t yet fully know (but is learning) “what to do with.” But even that phrase I dislike, because it suggests that to be an adult, unmarried Christian is an oddity and requires special consideration. Um, no. Let me just say NO to that. I and my single friends, male and female, do not need to be treated delicately. We need the same respect and offers of friendship offered to anyone else in the church; build relationships with us, walk through our lives with us, and bring us into your lives. Don’t mince around the issue, but don’t make it the focus. Allow us the freedom to celebrate and to share where we are in the journey, the same married couples and parents can celebrate and share what is happening in their relationships. And please, consider carefully how you encourage those who are hurting in singleness[4].

A tiny amount of googling yields a vast number of hits on this subject and a crazy number of theories as to why fewer and fewer people are getting married. Personally, I think there’s credence to a lot of the reasons and can see how intertwined they are. Whatever and however manifold the reasons are, a couple prominent and recurring themes have stood out over the years.

For the men: In one word, intentionality. Be intentional with girls who are friends, that to the best of your ability they do not presume an interest[5]. Be intentional with girls you are interested in. If you like someone and there isn’t a reason not to, ask her out. Going on a date is not an offer of marriage (goodbye, I Kissed Dating Goodbye). Your chances of success? 0% for never asking and just hoping it comes up. 50% if you step up to the plate and ask; that's significantly better than 0%. It is awkward and intimidating in ways neither I nor any girl will ever truly understand, and I respect that. We respect you for asking, for taking that chance for us. And that idea that you have to guard our hearts? Not only does it keep you from being fully yourself around us, it isn’t your job. Treat us with respect, keep a clear conscience, and allow the guarding of our hearts to fall where it should: between us and the Lord.

For the women: I know this is hard because I’ve been there but, sisters, relax. It’s true that there aren’t a lot of single men in church, but for every one there is, there is a group of girls analyzing if “he’s the one.” From the bottom of a heart that has hurt as yours has, please, stop. That is not how we are to treat our brothers. At best, it does them no good, and it only hurts you. Who do you trust more? The relationship specialists and columnists and researchers, or the God who created every single thing around you?[6] Who commands the turning of seasons and giving of life? You may look around and feel like you’re in the middle of a desert, but guess what—beautiful things grow there too. God intentionally created every environment and left no space empty of His fingerprints and vitality; your life, no matter how far from your expectations, is no different.

To both: be encouraged. I write not to condemn or malign, but to acknowledge and support as one who has been there. As Colin said, “Why should not I find this [rare thing of great value]? It does not seem likely. But the world doesn’t go round by likely. So I will try.”

So may we all try, single and married and divorced and widowed, men and women, to treat one another with love and respect as we are called to do.

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[1] From ch3 “The Old Woman and Her Hen” of The Carasoyn by George MacDonald.

[2] “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:9-12

[3] Really though, it’s not so little and it continues to grow.

[4] Nowhere does the Bible promise everyone a spouse; you shouldn’t either.

[5] Unfortunately, some people will read into things they shouldn’t, and that is not on you. If people start asking if you and a friend are an item, though, take that as an indication you’re doing it very, very wrong.

[6] Psalm 104 is GORGEOUS and an absolute favorite. It’s also very appropriate here but looooong. Look it up, read it out loud, and let its praises be proclaimed even from the painful places.